It’s all fun and games until an elderly man is released from the home

I often think back to situations I have been apart of and wonder if I had handled myself appropriately. I don’t consider myself to be obnoxiously inappropriate but, I was never properly coached on how to deal with the absurd interactions I have with various people.

I was recently placed on a register to greet and charge our lovely customers. Most of my awkward encounters occur while I am on a register, so I try to avoid that position like the plague. I much rather make delicious, frothy lattes all day while listening to music and conversing with my hilarious co-workers. However, sometimes work is not about fun and more about hating life.

I try to mentally prepare myself for the possible shenanigans that may occur while I am stuck on the cash register. Unfortunately, I had never really considered what actions I would take if a customer tried to lock another customer out of the store.

You can re-read that last sentence if you would like. No matter how many times you read it, the reality will stay the same. The cold hard reality is that I indeed witnessed an elderly man attempt to hold the doors closed on a young woman while she attempted to come inside.

Here is a list of the thoughts that played out in my head while I bared witness to this awkward situation.

1. That’s weird.

2. They must know each other.

3. Oh crap. I need to brew more coffee.

4. Hah! This man is a prankster.

5. I hope I am as funny as he is when I am old.

6. The lady doesn’t look impressed.

7. Maybe he doesn’t know her.

8. Oh No! I am going to have to go tell him to stop.

9. He stopped! Thank God!

10. Oh No! He’s walking towards me.

11. Should I mention what just happened?

Old Man: I need a regular coffee! I don’t want any flavored shit! Just a normal cup of coffee.

12. Definitely not mentioning what just happened.

Me: It’s on the house sir.

Mortified, I quickly poured the mans coffee. Apparently, I was not quick enough because when I turned back towards him he was in the middle of stuffing my tips down his pants. No, not in his pockets. In his pants. My quick service had interrupted his petty theft and in return the old man was now infuriated. He demanded his coffee. I was stunned. I quickly pushed the coffee towards him.

I never involve other customers in the bizarre situations I experience but, I couldn’t help myself. The woman behind him (the same woman he tried to lock out of our café) looked as shocked as I was.

First I asked if she knew him. I was still holding onto some hope that she was some sort of aid and he had just been released from an inane asylum.

Instead of responding to my ridiculous question, the innocent customers said “Did that just happen”

There is no sufficient handbook that can explain how to deal with the insanity that comes with working in customer service.

So, I gave the poor lady her drink for free, but there was nothing I could do to erase the image of the creepy old man holding the double doors shut while she struggled to open them.

I wish I had some words of wisdom that I could pass along. The victim of the old man’s weirdness may have some advice. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask her.

Bring your own box, idiot!

As an adult (hehe) I hold myself to certain standards. I couldn’t even finish the sentence without writing “hehe”, so these standards are obviously not very high. I work as a barista in a freakin’ coffee shop! However, I have always hated adults who feel entitled.

When people hear the word entitled they often think of the typical bratty children. The children who had parents that bought them everything, designer clothes, lavish cars, paid for their college, basically got them their now successful jobs and in return, grew to be snobby adults that feel entitled. Those people suck. They are not included in today’s post, but unfortunately they exist.

Today I am referring to the people who feel entitled because they have paid for some sort of merchandise or service. The people who have the mind set that because they bought something, that they now deserve the royal treatment. They all of a sudden have the right to demand ridiculous requests because they have bought $4.34 worth of coffee.

People like the box man. There is a man who comes in about three times a month with an order of approximately 20 drinks. Box man is an errand boy who probably works for the snobby, entitled customers that I was referring to in the beginning of this lengthy blog.

I call him the box man because every time he comes in he requests a large box to place all of his drinks in. I always respond with “Sir, I have 4-cup carries, but unfortunately no box.” I will even offer to help him to his car. Angry, he then makes rude comments about our speed of service while we prepare his beverages. At first I felt guilty about my inadequate inventory of boxes. However, my guilt subsided after the fifth “You’d think we were at the DMV” remark.

I always want to send him off with a big “F**k you”, but Captain Obvious, my witty, rude and loveable co-worker, always sweetens the deal with his not-so sweet commentary. He usually turns to me a few times (just in case box man didn’t hear him the first time) and says thing’s like “Someone’s grumpy.”, “He looks like he’s going to punch us.” or “You think his mother beat him as a child?” I always respond by hushing him or giving him my ‘unimpressed look’. In realty I think it’s hilarious and hope box man can hear him.

One day everyone will be treated equally with respect and kindness. A girl can dream right?! Until that day comes I am glad I have Captain Obvious to interject his opinions making my face turn red and my day turn hilarious.

I’m like the Comeback Kid but, less Canadian

Hello fellow bloggers! I know the pleather of people who, at one time followed my blog must have been devastated by my sudden disappearance! Hah! I am not that narcissistic! I don’t even consider myself a blogger! When I think of the word, I imagine a dedicated writer with followers who anticipate their updating posts. Me.. I am more of a ten year old boy who recently decided he liked baseball and convinced his parents to buy all the proper equipment. I went to a few practices. Hell! I even played in a game, but then life got in the way. I fell in love with a girl at school and quit the team so, I could spend my time pushing her off the monkey bars after class. The only difference between me and that little boy is:
A: I love writing.
B: I love complaining about my job.
C: I am not a boy- to clarify- I am a girl.

Only a few months have passed but, so much has happened! Since this blog is a lot more about my job and a lot less about my personal life; I won’t bore you all with the details!

If you have enjoyed any of my posts, keep an eye open. I have a few amusing stories that I will be sharing shortly 🙂

Let’s Use Our Grown Up Voices

Have you ever had an exchange with someone without exchanging words? Well, in case you haven’t let me clarify your suspicions. It’s not only extremely awkward but, it’s rude. It’s slightly more rude than when a customer speaks on their phone, refusing to acknowledge your existence besides the brief moment they spew their drink request at you which is almost always extremely complicated and annoying.

I have told stories to friends about these silent occurrences but, I swear they don’t believe me! They cannot fathom the thought of other people treating me like I am some coffee robot but, sadly they are wrong. It happens. One of the most talented and friendly baristas I have ever had the pleasure of working with would go along with these rude customers and she too, would not talk. I will properly introduce this amazing earthling later on. To get back on topic, these transactions, are as awkward as they sounds. I on the other hand refuse to let these customers silence me. If someone refuses to speak to me then, I just proceed to have a casual two-way conversation with myself.

Just to make this clear: The people who are not speaking are not deaf. I have taken orders from people who are deaf. They are far more kind than these walking morons.

I have also considered that maybe these customers just never learned how to read or communicate because they were raised in the wild and recently were found by a couple hiking in the woods and this is their first day back in the real world and they don’t know the proper etiquette, all they know is that they want coffee and they want it now! Whoa! That was an awful run-on sentence that I refuse to edit because f**k it.

Moral of this blog: Use your big boy/girl words people!

 

Just a side note. Don’t order with your hand over your mouth! It is not cute! You are a grown up!

Captain Obvious to the rescue!

I deal with an excess of obnoxious people on a daily basis. I actually have dreams that I spit in a customers drinks or throw steaming milk in someones face. I recently had a dream that I stood up on the counter and screamed “shut the f*ck up” to everyone in the cafe. I always wake up from these dreams feeling guilty and slightly sweaty. I can’t even fantasize about revenge without feeling an enormous amount of guilt so, you can probably imagine how uncomfortable I might become when I bare witness to someone giving poor customer service. This is where I will introduce my beloved co-worker Captain Obvious. He is a veteran to the coffee biz and I care for him dearly. My stomach will hurt from the amount of laughing I do when working with him. He is thoughtful and loved by many of our customers but, if you cross him then he will smite you with his witty comebacks.

Captain Obvious has been a barista for about ten years. Much longer than me. He is past the fantasies and has upgraded to acting on these devilish ideas. I was only a few months into the job when I witnessed the repercussions of Captain Obvious’s snarky attitude.

It was about 5am one morning when our first customer of the day walked in. Captain Obvious took the lead and helped the man so, I walked in the back room to continue stocking our morning shipment of espresso beans, cups and lids. I came back to check if Captain Obvious needed any help when I overheard what I thought the customer saying “You’re being an asshole. You are all awake and I am sleepy” I honestly thought the man was joking so, I started laughing while shaking my head in agreement. I think I even said “yeah he is”. The man left abruptly but, not abrupt enough. Captain Obvious got one last gotchya’ moment when he said “You probably shouldn’t be driving if you are so sleepy..sir.” That’s when I realized this was no playful banter. That guy was sleepy and super pissed off. He was the first of the many customers I have seen walk out of our store confused, pissed, and speechless because Captain Obvious is exactly that; “an asshole.”

This just in! One bitter barista has turned sweet after recieving a Liebster Award!

Don’t be frightened readers! My suddenly sweet attitude is only temporary. I am honored to have been nominated for the Liebster Award! I have been nominated by http://easterbunnyblog.wordpress.com/ and I couldn’t thank him enough. I was unsure of what the Liebster Award was but, I quickly figured it out after reading his post. Here is what he asked his nominees to do:

“The Liebster Award is meant to promote great blogs with less than 200 followers. The goal is to generated exposure and allow more people to discover these great blogs. Here’s how Liebster Award work. Nominees are asked to:”

– post eleven facts about themselves

– answer the eleven questions they’ve been asked

– nominate eleven other websketches and ask them eleven questions of their own.

– display the Liebster award.

– there are no actual prizes awarded just recognition by fellow bloggers

So, here it goes!

Elven Facts about Myself:

1. I hate thai food.

2. I love to write.

3. I am obsessed with my dog.

4. I strongly believe that I will make an impact in this world.

5. I care way to much about money.

6. I aspire to be as hilarious as Chelsea Handler.

7. I hate when people are mean to homeless people. They are homeless! Their life sucks enough without your judgements. (That may have seemed random but, homeless people are on every street corner in Las Vegas and the people here are so negative about them. It’s annoying.)

8. I meow at my cat in hopes that one day he’ll respond.

9. I get emotionally invested with T.V shows, books, movies, and recently youtube clips.

10. I hate when people are late.

11. I like airports but, I hate airplanes.

 

Questions asked by my nominator:

1. What animal best represents your personality and why?

I have a bizarre love/hate relationship with animals. Actually hate is not the right word it’s more of a hate/scared relationship. I have a dog that is super lovable and loyal but, I have this repressed thought that one day he’ll snap and attack me. However, I guess if I had to choose one animal I would choose a cat. From the three years I have spent with my cat Lucy I know that he likes his independence. He needs his space but, at the same time he likes to be next to me. Don’t mistake his closeness for an invitation to pet him. He will not tolerate unwanted petting time, I have learned the hard way. On the flip side he is affectionate and playful. He likes to play with the dog and do super cute flips off the couch. He’s adorable. But, mostly he’s an asshole. I am too.

2. If you were a superhero what super power would like to have and why?

I think I would have to decline the opportunity of having a super power. I have been thinking of the possible super power abilities and all of them would most likely lead to me hurting myself or someone else. I think it’s best I just leave the powers to the real super hero’s.

3. Who most influenced you to become the person you are today?

Hand’s down, my Mother. You know how everyone say’s that their Mother is the best. Well, they are wrong because I have the most amazing Mother. I could dedicate an entire blog about how my Mother has influenced my life and I would never run out of material because she continues to inspire me daily.

4. What is your favorite dessert?

I love dessert! If I had to choose just one favorite I would choose my Moms apple crisp. It’s delicious.

5. If you could travel to anywhere on the planet where would you go and why?

Someone just asked me this at work yesterday and I said Ireland. They asked why and I said “I don’t know” and I really don’t. I don’t know much about Ireland but, when I see pictures they remind me of New England. There is a lot of green and the towns look so quaint. I know Ireland has cities but, the country side is where I would like to visit the most.

6. What is the best book you ever read? What made it special?

My favorite genre is Historical Fiction. My favorite book is The other Boylenn Girl. This book is like a bad reality T.V show which, in my opinion means it was awesome. The book was made into a movie which I recently watched. It was horrible.

7. What is your favorite movie? Why?

My favorite movie is Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It’s the best of the series!

8. Do you think there really is such a thing as a Chimpmanzee?

No. That’s ridiculous.

9. What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time ten years, and could only say three words or less.

It’ll work out!

10. If you could create a national holiday, what would it be called and what date would you choose.

The holiday I would create would be called “Day Pass” and on this one day everyone could tell their most hated boss, co-worker, client, or customer why they suck and they couldn’t get fired. I told you I am dangerous with super powers. The date would be March 20th.

11. When was the last time you gave thanks, and what were you thankful for?

To save time I will list my top three that I give thanks for on a daily basis.

1. My Mother, sisters, step-father and all the other amazing family members in my life that continue to love and support me unconditionally. They have all impacted my life in more ways then they could ever know. I am blessed to have them in my life.

2. My friends in Maine. I have never met more genuine, caring, hard-working, intelligent, beautiful, diverse and inspiring people. You guys are amazing and we will be life long friends.

3. My boyfriend! He has taught me what it is like to be in a mature and loving relationship. He has showed me that relationships are about love, trust, travel, fun, experience, humor and family. These thing’s can only happen with patience, work and understanding.

Now that you have read all of that super interesting material, here are my nominees:

http://themidwestbarista.wordpress.com

http://willyoubemytherapistblog.wordpress.com

http://robynblue.wordpress.com

http://ameanjoke.wordpress.com/

http://shareenayoub.wordpress.com/

http://jadedapothecary.wordpress.com/

http://lightdarkroasts.wordpress.com/

http://stewiethecorgi.wordpress.com/

http://mytwentysomethingstory.wordpress.com/

http://mumandcarer.wordpress.com/

 http://supadashinlove.wordpress.com/

Eleven Questions for my nominees:

1. If you won a million dollars but, couldn’t keep it who would you give it to? Why?
2. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life which one would you choose?
3. If you could have any career in the world and money didn’t matter, what career would you hav?
4. If someone made a movie about your life what would it be titled?
5. What is your favorite resteraunt?
5. What is your favorite Holiday? Why?
6. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?
7. If you could have a one night stand, who would it be with?
8. If you could create a candy what would it be called and what would it taste like?
9. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?
10. What was your favorite moment in your life so far? What made it so special?
11. If you could change your name what would it be?

It’s my job to be nice to you

People are constantly confusing my positivity as my attempt to hit on them. I grew up in a town that people said “hello” as they passed by each other. I knew every student in my High School by name. I have actually had a neighbor come to my house for a cup of sugar. So, when I moved to Las Vegas I suffered from a little culture shock.

My first week as a barista, I walked by a homeless man bundled in a sleeping bag on my way into the store. This obviously alarmed me so, I called the police asking if they could check up on him. I passed the news along to my co-workers who all responded by laughing at me. One of the girls training me said “you just ruined that guys day.” I am pretty sure his day was already sucking but, whatever.

My first few months as a barista I was failing miserably. I am not exaggerating. My manager was brutally honest when he informed me that the only reason he hadn’t given up hope was because of my excellent customer service. My customer service skills helped me keep my job until I stopped sucking at it but, it also helped me into some awkward situations.

Growing up, my Mother taught the importance of eye contact, smiling and firm hand shakes. I will never be the person to answer my phone at a restaurant. I would never argue with someone in public. I will never give someone a limp hand shake or even worse, a first bump! Whoever invented the first bump should just give up. You suck at life.

Unfortunately my constant smile and focused eye contact has convinced countless customers that I am flirting with him/her. Yes, him/her. Here are a few situations I have unwillingly been apart of:

1. Old man thinks I am flirting with him when I spark up conversation while he waits for his drink. He then sits in the lobby starring at me while I work. I look up and we make awkward eye contact. My face turns red because we just made awkward eye contact. I hate my life.

2. A teenage couple walk up to the counter. I tell the boy that I like his Red Sox hat. Immature teenage girl thinks I am flirting with her boyfriend. She hangs off of him for the remainder of the transaction. I die a little inside.

5. Young couple approach me at the register. Insecure guy thinks my comment about his girlfriends outfit makes me a lesbian. So, he grabs at her butt while she orders. I am officially dead.

4. Old man forces me into a long conversation involving comic strips, hiking, poetry, family, life, religion, and more comic strips. The conversation ends when he hands me a 14 page letter where I am referred to as his “unsuspecting victim”. Please do not resuscitate!

You can’t stop the beat!

If you ask me to turn down the music because you are on a conference call don’t be surprised when the music comes back on blaring 10 minutes into the meeting.

If you need silence then you should conduct your conference call at home because now I have to pretend to work while I listen to your conversation about firing Gunther. It’s awkward and I can’t stop thinking about poor Gunther. What did he do wrong? Does he have any savings? If he has a family, will they be able to survive without his income? Can they afford to send little Hilary off to College?

Poor jobless Gunther.

What the bleep is almond milk!?

Today I want to change thing’s up and write about a little boy that left me inspired. A thirteen year old boy, accompanied by his Mother came up to the register and ordered a hot chocolate. After he ordered he handed me a card with a twenty dollar bill attached. He simply said “I want you to give this to the first customer that buys something after I leave the store.” The boy drank his hot chocolate and then waved goodbye as he left the store. In the letter he gave me, it explained that today was his birthday and for his birthday he wanted to put a smile on people’s faces by doing small acts of kindness. He was asking if patrons would continue to pass along his letter, even if they couldn’t afford to pay for other’s order. All he wanted was for whoever received the letter to pass it along with words of encouragement to another member of the community stopping by for a cup of coffee.

I couldn’t wait for my next customer. Moments later a tall beautiful brunette walked into the store with a purse in one hand and her phone to her ear. The woman stood next to our retail section while she finished her conversation. I was giddy with anticipation. When she came to the counter I greeted her by saying “Hii, how are you!?” She was unimpressed by my enthusiastic greeting. However, I refused to let her rain on my parade.

When ever customers seem frustrated or annoyed with me I always put myself in their shoes. For example, if I walked into a store and someone with a high pitched voice blurted “Hii, how are you?!” depending on my mood, no matter what, I would definitely hate that person. So, I understood her instant dislike towards me.

The woman casually ordered a latte made with almond milk. Unfortunately, the cafe I work at does not have that type of milk. I was becoming increasingly disappointed in myself. First, I annoyed the bejeezus out of her with my obnoxious greeting and now I was letting her down by not having the specific product she craved! I was not only letting myself and the almond milk loving woman down, I was letting this poor boy down. I refused to give up hope.

After weighing her options, she settled for a latte made with soy. As she pulled out her wallet I handed her the letter and said “your drink is going to be free today.” I knew I had a stupid grin on my face but, I couldn’t help it, this was all so exciting. I quickly paid for her drink with the twenty dollar bill the boy had left and handed her the change. She skimmed the letter, smiled awkwardly, quietly thanked me and then walked away.

I was so befuddled! Why wasn’t she as excited as I was? I wasn’t even the one receiving the free drink/cash and I was ripping at the seams! I glared at her using my peripherals (yeah, I’m a creep) hoping she just misunderstood me and needed a moment to let the excitement sink in before she openly celebrated. Instead she sat down at a table and enjoyed her latte while talking on the phone. She was as cool as a cucumber. Not once did she mention the incredible situation that had just occurred!

I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions so, I patiently waited for her to pass along the freaking letter. Nope. She drank half of her latte, dropped the other half in the trash can and casually walked out of the building! She never gave anyone the letter!

At first I was outraged. I wanted to form a small committee to track this lady down and throw almond milk at her house! I wanted to describe her to a sketch artist so, I could post her face all over the local coffee shops of Las Vegas warning them of her awfulness. I wanted to.. Then I thought of the sweet little boy and how the purpose of his letter was to spread happiness.

Well, I am not sure what the moral of this story is. The only thing I am sure of is that the little boy who handed me that letter made my day a little brighter and that the lady who never passed it along is a selfish, stuck-up, joy sucking, almond milk drinker.

Where the Wild Things Are

At work, I normally drink a few shots of espresso in order to stay appropriately friendly to the public. Recently, after a long 8 hour shift, I decided to treat myself and create a sugary latte. This latte was one of those ‘you have just given up trying’ lattes. One of those lattes that take 5 minutes to order. One of those lattes that may not be but, most likely is the reason your regular customer now has diabetes.

While I was preparing my beverage a young, thin, tattooed beast (for those of you thinking “Tattoo beast! Oh me, oh my. That is not nice.” Please, keep reading) trampled up to the counter and asked me for the name of the barista that had prepared her beverage. I wanted to say “I am not working. Just pretend I am invisible.” Instead, I said:

Me: (Insert barista name here)

Tattoo beast: Well, he didn’t put enough chocolate drizzle on my cup.

Me: I’m so, sorry. Would you like me to add more?

Tattoo beast: He already added more.

Me: Okay.

Then she just stood there, staring into my soul, while I awkwardly shifted back and forth trying not to break eye contact. After a minute or two of that nonsense, I finally broke.

Me: So, I am going to go now if that’s okay.

The lady had me so confused that I was now asking permission to leave.

 

Tattoo beast: I am not upset about the chocolate drizzle I am pissed off because of his attitude. When I asked him for more drizzle he grabbed the drink out of my hand and added it without even saying a word to me.

Honestly, at that moment in time, I felt bad. Even though the tattooed beast, was a beast she still deserved to be treated like a person. I apologized for his actions and told her that I would definitely pass this ordeal, along to our manager. I had full intentions of following through with my promise but, that wasn’t good enough.

She apparently took my sincere apology as a round two of the passive aggressive battle she was having with the previous barista. Instead of continuing our conversation she threw her drink against the front door and left. The barista who had helped her instantly started to laugh. It wasn’t one of those ‘haha this is hilarious’ laughs. It was one of those ‘did that just happen, break the tension, I hate my life’ laughs. The best kind of laugh, really. I ran to the back room, grabbed a mop and a towel and cleaned the door.

You are probably thinking the story is over. You may even be hoping the story is over but, no such luck for either of us. After I finished cleaning the door a man came up to me and asked if I was the manager. I said “no.” This didn’t deter him from sharing all of his complaints with me.

Well, the man had apparently been caught in the cross fire of the tattooed beast and the drink she pegged at the door. This resulted in drops of liquid on his pants. Once I saw the two drops on his pants I knew I wasn’t walking away with a quick apology.

Me: I am so, sorry about that! What can I do to make this better.

Business Casual Guy: I am not mad about the pants!

He was definitely mad about the pants.

 

Business Casual Guy: I am mad at that kid who laughed at me.

It took me a moment to realize that the man interpreted the awkward barista’s laugh as the barista actually laughing at him. I assured him that none of us had realized that he had gotten anything on him until this moment and that he was just laughing because he was nervous. After about 5 minutes of apologies vs. complaints the battle was done and I was defeated.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that I had forgotten my drink at work.

World: 1,343,293,191,292,745

Me: 0